Week 3 Day 1

I have to tell you, I dreaded stepping on the scale this morning. I didn't feel like I had done very well last week at all. Well, that's wrong, I feel like I started the week off great, but kind of lost motivation at the end.
These holiday weekends are always such a challenge!
J and I went shopping on Saturday and purchased a new bed. We have needed one forever and kept putting it off. Wednesday we were cleaning the bedroom in preparation for my landlord's inspection on Thursday and our old bed broke. Now, it was a cheap bed from Ikea. We paid about $400 total for the bed, matress, 2 nightstands, a dresser & a wardrobe 4 years ago. The bed was never comfortable, but it was all we could afford at the time. I know this in my head, but when that bed broke all I could think was "If I wasn't so heavy, it wouldn't have broken."
I need to stop with the negativity!
Anyway, after buying the new bed we went to Applebee's for lunch. I was very calorie conscience and ordered one of their 550 calorie meals and then ate a smaller dinner that night.
In the end, I guess I did pretty good last week, I lost another 2.6 lbs, which was better than I expected!
Looking forward to the week ahead 6 1/2 pounds lighter than when I started this new lifestyle!

k

Week 2 Day 4

Things are going well. I got a little busy (and lazy!) this week and stopped keeping my food journal and have been slacking on my water a bit. I've been overdoing it on the diet soda a bit as well.
But overall I'm still committed and working towards a healthy lifestyle. I know that sometimes I will fail, but I intend to get right back on course and not dwell on mistakes.
I'm at the point where I'm excited to plan my meals and change things up a bit. I' m less scared about overeating.
Until tomorrow...

k

Week 2 Day 3

I kind of fell off the wagon on my posting due to some busy days. End of month is always very busy at my job, so I have been working late. I talked to my landlord Monday and he decided to do a home inspection tomorrow so we had 3 days to do our spring cleaning.
Honestly, my boyfriend did most of it, but each night after I finished working we tackled some of the cleaning together.
The basement was the worst because I have a ton of crafting supplies and I still have a ton of stuff to go through from my parent's house when they passed. It's been over a year and it's still hard.
Anyway, I lost 4.2 lbs my first week. Go me!
I was so worried about attending my niece's grad party last Sunday, but I actually did really well. I even turned down the most delicious looking cake! Willpower!!
More tomorrow...

k

Week 1 Day 6

Today was a good news/bad news kind of day. I went out and bought my new digital scale as planned. As feared, my old scale was off...by 6 pounds! If I end up losing the 5 lbs I'm hoping for this first week, I will still be +1 lb from where I thought I started. *sigh*
The good news is that I am feeling more confident in my ability to stick to this. I went to the grocery store to stock up on healthy food, as planned. The grocery store is a totally different experience when you bypass the cakes and cookies and chips and donuts. For one thing it's time consuming. It takes me a lot of time to read the labels and make sure I'm not falling for the false advertising. I've learned that 0% fat usually means high sugar. And sometimes, I need to choose the higher calorie item because it has a better fiber and protein content.
While browsing through the store, I saw an old friend of mine who was working there. I have known him since I was 17 or 18. We hung out for years. We lost contact when I was married and got back in contact when I got divorced. He dated my best friend briefly and I dated a few of his friends. So there was never any romance between us, we were just buddies.
Anyway, my normal pattern when I see someone who "knew me when" is to run...okay, maybe not run, but speed walk...the other way and avoid seeing them. I'm fat, I don't want people who knew me before to see me like this. I mean, honestly, I have never been thin, I've always been overweight, but never like this.
But today was different. Knowing I'm beginning this long journey...knowing I'm dedicated to succeeding, knowing in my heart that this time is different made me bolder. It took me a few minutes to do it, but I finally walked up to my friend and said hello.
The funny thing is, I didn't consider that I was not at my best appearance-wise when I approached him. I didn't even remember that I was wearing a baseball cap to hide my messy hair or that I didn't wear glasses the last time I saw him. I just worried about my weight.
Honestly, it took him a minute to recognize me (because of the hat and glasses) but once he did, we talked for 20 minutes.
At one point he said "So what have you been up to?" I'm not good at questions like this. I'm not a very social person and social niceities have never been my strong suit. Most people would do a quick overview like "Oh, I got married, had a baby and am living in Anytown, USA." Not me. I found a way to be sardonic and put myself down. My response: Oh, just busy getting old, fat and boring.
Why? Why do I do this? I guess it's because in my head, a voice is screaming "YOU'RE FAT, YOU'RE FAT, YOU'RE FAT!" and I feel like I have to say it outloud so it's not like the pink elephant in the room. Like, yeah, I acknowledge that I'm fat so you don't have to worry that I don't know.
And this perfectly nice old friend is subjected to my insecurities. Awk-ward!
Luckily, he handled it very sweetly and said "Old and fat, no way! Boring, I can't say, I haven't seen you in awhile." Wasn't that a nice thing to say?
Anyway, by the time I left, we had exchanged numbers and promised to keep in touch.
I patted myself on the back as I paid for my groceries and left. (And I must mention that I was so happy that my cart was full of healthy food and not junk!) But I did it! For once, I confronted my past (in a way) instead of hiding from it.
And I may have just renewed a friendship that was very important to me.
Of course when I told my boyfriend about the encounter his first question was "Did he hit on you?" That earned an eyeroll from me. I mean, I appreciate that he thinks guys would hit on me looking like this, but A) I had just explained that he was an old friend and B) refer to A.
I have always been one of those girls who have more guy friends than girl friends. I grew up a bit of a tomboy and always enjoyed playing in dirt and playing video games. Of course, part of the whole guy friends thing was because a good portion of them either dated or wanted to date my best friend....but that is a story for another time.
Anyway, I did good with my food today...still need to up my calorie count, I'm barely making 1000 per day. My plan is to do 1600-1700 calories a day, but I never seem to make it.
I'm still hoping that once I feel more comfortable with my food choices, I will be able to meet my calories. I'm definately NOT trying to starve myself into a quick weight loss. Been there, done that, gained it back.
Tomorrow is my niece's graduation party/cookout. I will need to practice some of this control I've been gaining and say no to the bad food!
Until next time,

k

Week 1 Day 5

I made it through the first 5 days. I am determined to stay on course this weekend. I plan on heading to the grocery store early tomorrow to stock up on healthy stuff. I have had a hard time eating enough calories each day and need to get a better game plan going.
I also plan on buying a new scale tomorrow. I'm kind of afraid to weigh myself on it. Seriously, what if my current scale is REALLY off? It will be like starting all over again, when I feel like I did really well this week.
Last plan is to head to the library and check out some exercise DVDs.
I'm hoping if I keep busy enough, I won't eat my way through the weekend like I usually do!
Here's hoping!

k

Week 1 Day 4

I had a good day today. Not too much shoulder/back pain. I did much better with my water intake and limited my diet soda to half a bottle with no headache. I did weigh myself this morning, which I swore I wouldn't do, but I wanted to see if it was working! (I won't post what I saw, but it inspired me to keep going!) I also ate dinner after 8pm which was a no-no, but I work until 8pm each day and did not have time to take a break to eat earlier.
I'm worried about Sunday. My niece is graduating from college and we are going to a cookout at my brother's house. I'm not yet ready to tell my family that I'm trying to lose weight so bringing my own food is not an option. I think I'm just going to take a very small serving of a couple of not-so-bad things. Great plan, huh? It's hard to plan because I don't know exactly what they are serving. I will stay away from dessert though. If I manage to do that, I plan to reward myself with a Skinny Cow ice cream that night.
I'm a very shy person most times. Unless I know someone very well, I usually keep pretty quiet. I will be around my family on Sunday, but there will also be friends of my niece and extended family that I don't know very well there.
I don't like to be the center of attention...ever. I hate people looking at me. I always feel like I'm being judged.
For example, we went to my great-nephew's first birthday part last weekend. First of all, my sister was late and I ended up sitting with 2 of my niece's friends while I waited for my sister. They were very nice girls, but I could not for the life of me think of something to say to them.
When my sister finally arrived, she immediately made a big deal about my new haircut. She kept going on and on about it, which was very sweet, but I was just so mortified. I love my new haircut. It's actually my favorite haircut I've ever had, but calling attention to it just embarrassed me.
I need to get to a point where I don't care what others think of me. I know I worry too much about that. When I think of it logically, I know that I'm barely a blip on their radar, but at the time, I feel like 10 spotlights are shining on me and everyone is being all judgey.
I'm hoping as I lose weight, I'll gain confidence. I already feel stronger and more in control...but don't sign me up for making a speech anytime soon!
Life is good today!

k

Week 1 Day 3

Not a lot to say today. I drank my allotted diet soda early today and avoided the caffeine headache, thank goodness! Unfortunately, I did not do so well on my water intake today. I need to work on that tomorrow!
One of the reasons I started this new life is because I have been having a lot of shoulder and back pain lately. I have a bad back and have for years, but this is different.
I actually went to the doctor's 3 times because I thought I was having a heart attack, but she assured me that my heart sounds fine. She did bloodwork and checked me out and attibuted the pains to weight gain and acid reflux.
To be honest, I've gained a lot of weight in a short amount of time. I've gained 20 lbs. in 5 months. This is because I started working from home. I knew when I started that I would have to control my snacking, but I let it get way out of control.
But it's okay. I forgive myself for being weak. Because I'm getting stronger every day.
Day 3 and I'm already making better choices throughout the day.
Tomorrow I will work on my water intake and eating a better breakfast. I barely got to 1000 calories today. Not a big deal for one day, but I know that when I incorporate exercise into my routine in the next few weeks I will need the calories for fuel.
Until tomorrow,

k

Week 1 Day 2

So I'm at the end of day two. I won't lie and say the past two days have been easy. I've had a constant headache from the caffeine and sugar withdrawal. I'm hungry constantly. But I'm making a choice here. A choice to do something I've never done before.
I've tried Weight Watchers and Jenny Craig. I've had marginal success with both, but in the end, it was too expensive. I don't have the money to committ long term to a paid program. But I have the will power to committ to being a healthier me.
Okay, I don't have the will power..yet...but every day that I choose to eat healthier, I gain a tiny bit more willpower. I know from past experience that this will get easier every day. The headaches and hunger pangs will subside. Soon I will feel hungry and look for fruit, not snack cakes. I will go out to eat and THINK before I order. I will be proud of the life I am choosing to live.
Yesterday I was making the banner for the top of the blog and my boyfriend walked in. He thought that "p.s. I'm Fat" was degrading. He doesn't get it. It's not degrading in my eyes, it's motivating. He has never had a weight problem. He went to the doctor's about 6 months ago and was told he had gained 15 lbs. He went back 4 months later and had lost it all...without even trying. It's not a daily struggle for him.
But for me it is. Sometimes it's a minute to minute struggle.
Have you ever had someone call you fat? I have. Not my friends, not my family...but strangers.
I remember one time, back in my single days, my best friend and I had gone out on a Saturday night to a local bar where we always hung out. We had many friends there who knew us. There was a guy I really liked that I dated off and on. We were all hanging out at the bar and when closing time came, we all headed out to the parking lot to go home. A guy who was friends with the guy I liked ended up getting into a fight with a group of strangers. The guy I liked jumped in and my best friend and I did that helpful girl thing...we yelled for them all to stop from the sidelines. At one point, one of the strangers turned to me and yelled "Shut up you fat bitch!" right in my face.
I swear, I froze right then. I almost started crying. I was ashamed. I was mortified. Who had heard him? Who knew he was talking to me? I wanted to go home and eat a gallon of ice cream.
The fight broke up quickly, in the way that bar fights normally do, and we all went back to my friend's house to hang out.
The whole time we sat there on her balcony talking, I kept thinking "Did anyone hear that guy call me fat? Do they think I'm fat? Does he know I'm fat?" Of course all the guys cared about was the fight - which they retold 5o million times for the rest of the night.
But I obsessed about that stranger's comment. Hell, I still obsess over it 13 years later. I seriously never thought that others thought I was fat. I thought I hid it well. I thought I sucked it in and dressed so that it hid my fat. And honestly, at the time, I was probably 25-30 lbs lighter than I am now.
So that brings me back to my point. I'm fat. I know it. But the people around you don't go around telling you that every day. The people that care about you don't say "Have you gained weight?" They accept you for how you look. And even though I don't want those people to tell me I'm fat, not hearing it can lure you into a kind of complacency.
My boyfriend does not care how much I weigh. I know this and believe this with all of my heart. I was fat when we met. I was fat when he first told me he loved me. I was fat when he asked me to marry him.
This is not about him. This is about me. I don't want to be fat. I want to live life. I want to be able to overcome the health issues that plague me.
In order to do that, I need to face this head on. I need to admit to the world that I know I'm fat and I'm working on it. So that is why I named this blog p.s. I'm Fat. I don't want my life to be about my weight, I want my weight to be the post script in my life.
Oh, I know that for the next few months my life will be about losing weight. But I hope that once eating healthy and exercising becomes the norm in my life, it will just be what I do, not the main topic.
So here's to two days of getting it right.

k

Week 1 Day 1

Last night this seemed like a great idea. I spent the evening thinking of meal plans and reading blogs about losing weight the healthy way. I couldn't wait to go to sleep so I could wake up and begin my weight loss journey. I actually tossed and turned all night, I was so ready to begin I could taste it.
And therein lies the problem. My problem. I want to taste everything. I want that magical, elusive diet that allows me to eat cupcakes and ice cream. The one where my daily Sweet Tea from McDonald's fits right in. Guess that's not going to happen.
I just finished my breakfast. As I measured out my 3/4 cup of Cheerios, I stood over the kitchen counter and stared at it for a good 3 minutes. Seriously? That's it? Thinking I had made a mistake, I reread the box. Yup, 3/4 of a cup is a serving. Still unbelieving, I took my bowl into the living room to show my boyfriend. When I asked him if he thought the amount looked right to him he gave me that look. You know the one. The look that says he's thinking of packing his bags and moving to Siberia until I come to my senses and stop this dieting nonsense.
The look that says he really wants to be supportive, but this is day one, meal one and I'm already whining.
But okay. I can do this. I'm doing it for all the right reasons this time. I'm doing it to be healthy, not so I can fit into a size 5 jeans. I'm doing it because I'm 41 and sick and tired of being sick and tired.
As I poured the alotted 2 tablespoons (or whatever the ridiculous small amount is) of milk over my cereal I thought about the scale. The same scale that told me this morning that I currently weigh 210 lbs. Really? I've never weighed this much. I've always been a big girl. And by big I mean fat. But never this fat. So this is why it's time. Time to start loving myself enough to want to be healthy. Time to stop making excuses for why I need to have that cookie or cupcake or Kit Kat and to find reasons why I don't need them.
So, here goes nothing. I'm blogging my journey, good and bad, to keep myself accountable.
I have somewhat of a plan in mind, but I'm basically planning to limit my calories and incorporate exercise. I know, I know...I'm Einstein, right? I never said it was an original plan.
On the bright side, there's only 13 1/2 hours left of day one.

k