Week 1 Day 2

So I'm at the end of day two. I won't lie and say the past two days have been easy. I've had a constant headache from the caffeine and sugar withdrawal. I'm hungry constantly. But I'm making a choice here. A choice to do something I've never done before.
I've tried Weight Watchers and Jenny Craig. I've had marginal success with both, but in the end, it was too expensive. I don't have the money to committ long term to a paid program. But I have the will power to committ to being a healthier me.
Okay, I don't have the will power..yet...but every day that I choose to eat healthier, I gain a tiny bit more willpower. I know from past experience that this will get easier every day. The headaches and hunger pangs will subside. Soon I will feel hungry and look for fruit, not snack cakes. I will go out to eat and THINK before I order. I will be proud of the life I am choosing to live.
Yesterday I was making the banner for the top of the blog and my boyfriend walked in. He thought that "p.s. I'm Fat" was degrading. He doesn't get it. It's not degrading in my eyes, it's motivating. He has never had a weight problem. He went to the doctor's about 6 months ago and was told he had gained 15 lbs. He went back 4 months later and had lost it all...without even trying. It's not a daily struggle for him.
But for me it is. Sometimes it's a minute to minute struggle.
Have you ever had someone call you fat? I have. Not my friends, not my family...but strangers.
I remember one time, back in my single days, my best friend and I had gone out on a Saturday night to a local bar where we always hung out. We had many friends there who knew us. There was a guy I really liked that I dated off and on. We were all hanging out at the bar and when closing time came, we all headed out to the parking lot to go home. A guy who was friends with the guy I liked ended up getting into a fight with a group of strangers. The guy I liked jumped in and my best friend and I did that helpful girl thing...we yelled for them all to stop from the sidelines. At one point, one of the strangers turned to me and yelled "Shut up you fat bitch!" right in my face.
I swear, I froze right then. I almost started crying. I was ashamed. I was mortified. Who had heard him? Who knew he was talking to me? I wanted to go home and eat a gallon of ice cream.
The fight broke up quickly, in the way that bar fights normally do, and we all went back to my friend's house to hang out.
The whole time we sat there on her balcony talking, I kept thinking "Did anyone hear that guy call me fat? Do they think I'm fat? Does he know I'm fat?" Of course all the guys cared about was the fight - which they retold 5o million times for the rest of the night.
But I obsessed about that stranger's comment. Hell, I still obsess over it 13 years later. I seriously never thought that others thought I was fat. I thought I hid it well. I thought I sucked it in and dressed so that it hid my fat. And honestly, at the time, I was probably 25-30 lbs lighter than I am now.
So that brings me back to my point. I'm fat. I know it. But the people around you don't go around telling you that every day. The people that care about you don't say "Have you gained weight?" They accept you for how you look. And even though I don't want those people to tell me I'm fat, not hearing it can lure you into a kind of complacency.
My boyfriend does not care how much I weigh. I know this and believe this with all of my heart. I was fat when we met. I was fat when he first told me he loved me. I was fat when he asked me to marry him.
This is not about him. This is about me. I don't want to be fat. I want to live life. I want to be able to overcome the health issues that plague me.
In order to do that, I need to face this head on. I need to admit to the world that I know I'm fat and I'm working on it. So that is why I named this blog p.s. I'm Fat. I don't want my life to be about my weight, I want my weight to be the post script in my life.
Oh, I know that for the next few months my life will be about losing weight. But I hope that once eating healthy and exercising becomes the norm in my life, it will just be what I do, not the main topic.
So here's to two days of getting it right.

k