Week 1 Day 6

Today was a good news/bad news kind of day. I went out and bought my new digital scale as planned. As feared, my old scale was off...by 6 pounds! If I end up losing the 5 lbs I'm hoping for this first week, I will still be +1 lb from where I thought I started. *sigh*
The good news is that I am feeling more confident in my ability to stick to this. I went to the grocery store to stock up on healthy food, as planned. The grocery store is a totally different experience when you bypass the cakes and cookies and chips and donuts. For one thing it's time consuming. It takes me a lot of time to read the labels and make sure I'm not falling for the false advertising. I've learned that 0% fat usually means high sugar. And sometimes, I need to choose the higher calorie item because it has a better fiber and protein content.
While browsing through the store, I saw an old friend of mine who was working there. I have known him since I was 17 or 18. We hung out for years. We lost contact when I was married and got back in contact when I got divorced. He dated my best friend briefly and I dated a few of his friends. So there was never any romance between us, we were just buddies.
Anyway, my normal pattern when I see someone who "knew me when" is to run...okay, maybe not run, but speed walk...the other way and avoid seeing them. I'm fat, I don't want people who knew me before to see me like this. I mean, honestly, I have never been thin, I've always been overweight, but never like this.
But today was different. Knowing I'm beginning this long journey...knowing I'm dedicated to succeeding, knowing in my heart that this time is different made me bolder. It took me a few minutes to do it, but I finally walked up to my friend and said hello.
The funny thing is, I didn't consider that I was not at my best appearance-wise when I approached him. I didn't even remember that I was wearing a baseball cap to hide my messy hair or that I didn't wear glasses the last time I saw him. I just worried about my weight.
Honestly, it took him a minute to recognize me (because of the hat and glasses) but once he did, we talked for 20 minutes.
At one point he said "So what have you been up to?" I'm not good at questions like this. I'm not a very social person and social niceities have never been my strong suit. Most people would do a quick overview like "Oh, I got married, had a baby and am living in Anytown, USA." Not me. I found a way to be sardonic and put myself down. My response: Oh, just busy getting old, fat and boring.
Why? Why do I do this? I guess it's because in my head, a voice is screaming "YOU'RE FAT, YOU'RE FAT, YOU'RE FAT!" and I feel like I have to say it outloud so it's not like the pink elephant in the room. Like, yeah, I acknowledge that I'm fat so you don't have to worry that I don't know.
And this perfectly nice old friend is subjected to my insecurities. Awk-ward!
Luckily, he handled it very sweetly and said "Old and fat, no way! Boring, I can't say, I haven't seen you in awhile." Wasn't that a nice thing to say?
Anyway, by the time I left, we had exchanged numbers and promised to keep in touch.
I patted myself on the back as I paid for my groceries and left. (And I must mention that I was so happy that my cart was full of healthy food and not junk!) But I did it! For once, I confronted my past (in a way) instead of hiding from it.
And I may have just renewed a friendship that was very important to me.
Of course when I told my boyfriend about the encounter his first question was "Did he hit on you?" That earned an eyeroll from me. I mean, I appreciate that he thinks guys would hit on me looking like this, but A) I had just explained that he was an old friend and B) refer to A.
I have always been one of those girls who have more guy friends than girl friends. I grew up a bit of a tomboy and always enjoyed playing in dirt and playing video games. Of course, part of the whole guy friends thing was because a good portion of them either dated or wanted to date my best friend....but that is a story for another time.
Anyway, I did good with my food today...still need to up my calorie count, I'm barely making 1000 per day. My plan is to do 1600-1700 calories a day, but I never seem to make it.
I'm still hoping that once I feel more comfortable with my food choices, I will be able to meet my calories. I'm definately NOT trying to starve myself into a quick weight loss. Been there, done that, gained it back.
Tomorrow is my niece's graduation party/cookout. I will need to practice some of this control I've been gaining and say no to the bad food!
Until next time,

k